By: BK Manda patel
Source: The Daily Guardian 
Dated: April 26th, 2025

 Ditching a habit of any kind is not as simple as saying ‘I just won’t do that any more’. Habits, once formed, are difficult to eradicate, but understanding why we have a habit in the first place helps a great deal towards changing it.

For most of us, our upbringing and culture, mainly developed in a dysfunctional society, means that we often have a feeling of never being able to live up to what is expected of us, of never feeling ‘enough’. The root cause of this is that every transaction, of whatever kind, in the world today, is conditional. Even a declaration of love is given with the expectation that it will be returned. A gift requires a reciprocal one and all manner of other negotiations have the “you scratch my back and I will scratch yours” element embedded in them.

Even when we try to make others happy, we do so in the hope that they will not complain, criticise, or become angry. That in itself is a sign of looking for approval. The opposite is actually true – when I am happy, then others are. But if for some reason they are not, I am no longer influenced by their lack of approval or emotional manipulation. The key is remaining in my own integrity.

How do I maintain that integrity and keep aligned with the spiritual beliefs and practices I have understood and want to live by, and not digress from those, under any circumstances? The first thing is to develop a love for introspection, introversion. The world today is all extraversion, seeing too much, reading too much, speaking far too much. I need to take time to go within and see myself and check myself – my thoughts and behaviour.  Dadi Janki (the late Administrative Head of the Brahma Kumaris) told me, ‘Think before you think’ – catch yourself and consider if this is the right way to go, the right thing to say, or the right thing to do. If I am always able to observe myself, I will never digress and dissipate energy. But this must become a way of life, a continuous observation, it cannot be done just once or twice a week.

Secondly, it is imperative to spend time in solitude. When we grow spiritually, it is possible to be in solitude even when with others. It is a position of looking from the inside out, where it is possible to observe, engage, and interact but still maintain an inner solitude. However, the first step towards this is to find time and space to be alone and watch what is going on inside the mind. But, and this is very important, solitude must also include the company of the Divine, the Supreme Soul. This is because the pure, unconditional love and energy of the Supreme is full of benevolence, and is always available. Then we do not need anyone’s approval, or to hear how great we are, because we can feel our own spiritual power. Yes, it is a journey of transformation, because we have all developed negative protective mechanisms to simply survive. We have built up shields to try to protect ourselves from hurt, and in so doing, have often caused hurt. So, these mechanisms need to be transformed, over time. The real shield is the knowledge of our own worth and the value of our own peace, love, and joy – the intrinsic qualities of all souls. Our intrinsic nature is of benevolence and of giving.  External power based on worldly success is one thing, but internal power is being able to maintain inner equilibrium, no matter what is going on outside. This has to be built because it does not happen overnight. It requires great attention, introversion, introspection, and solitude. Most importantly, it requires a return to the company of the Divine. Each one of us is an incredible being – we can find our own light and powerfully shine that on others.

Manda Patel is a Rajyoga teacher based 
at the Brahma Kumaris Global Retreat Centre, Oxford, UK.